The Green Jell-O Effect
Posted by: Alex McG in Green Jell-O Effect, New Story AnnouncementSince this story is fairly long, I’ve now broken it into chapters to make it easier to navigate. Thanks for reading, and please leave comments; I love to hear what people think, good or bad.
Chapter One
Richard was clearing dinner off the table when the phone rang. He pulled the receiver off the wall and immediately recoiled from the near-scream his agent always used on such calls.
“How would you like to be famous, Mr. Parson?”
Richard sighed—he was losing his patience with the recent surge in the number of fools he was forced to suffer. Such is the price one pays to publish a book outside of university presses, he told himself. He had said he wanted to bring philosophy to the masses, but the truth of the matter was that no academic press wanted his jejune slurry of rants, pompous self-aggrandizement, and philosophical masturbation.
“It’s Doctor, actually,” Richard corrected her; his voice was that of a man accustomed to emending the ill-conceived notions of lesser minds. “But I suppose you can call me Rich.”
“Yes, of course you’ll be rich, Mr. Parson,” the woman said in her most sycophantic croon. “As impressive your sales have been already, I think we can do even better. How would you like to do the talk show circuit?”
Richard sneered, “Do you really think I’m going to allow you to debase my work like that? I’m not going to follow Bobo the Farting Chimp on some insipid talk show just to sell a few books to the fifteen literate people watching.”
“Well, think about it. In the meantime, how would you feel about setting up a lecture tour? I’m sure there are a hundred colleges that would pay a good bit to have you speak.”
Richard rubbed his beard in the way he thought looked particularly scholarly; unfortunately there was no one in the kitchen to see it. He was not considering the proposal so much as he was contemplating which corduroy blazer he would bring with him, and whether it would be more impressive to adjust his glasses or tug his beard during the lectures. When he had made up his mind to alternate between the glasses and beard, he cleared his throat and spoke with stilted nonchalance.
“I’ll agree on one condition: every university that I visit must have a serious philosophy program with serious students. I won’t have my time wasted.”
“Excellent, I’ll start booking dates first thing tomorrow. Very exciting things are going to start happening for you, Mr. Parson, congratulations.”
Sophia was in the hall bathroom, brushing her teeth as she did after every meal, when Richard told her the news.
“What?” She stared at him in disbelief, “They want you to do talk shows?”
“Yes, but I told them I wouldn’t do it” Richard said as he calmly wiped flecks of toothpaste off his cheek. “I’m going to do an international lecture tour instead. All the big universities in Europe want me, and I certainly can’t deny my fans.”
“What are you talking about?” Sophia asked, Colgate still dripping from her lips. She spat and wiped her mouth. “What fans?”
“This is my chance to really hit it big, Sophie. I’m going to be famous.”
“You’re a philosopher, you aren’t supposed to hit it big. You’re supposed to be brilliant and under appreciated until you die, and then they misinterpret you for the rest of eternity.”
“Oprah’s also never recommended a book by a philosopher before. I have a chance to do something great here—wake people up, get them thinking, get them reading my book. I’m doing it, end of story.”
Sophia frowned at him, unimpressed. “Oprah never recommended you,” she said.
Richard waved his hand to dismiss the minor detail and walked into the bedroom to weigh the pros and cons of his light brown blazer versus the dark brown one.
Richard received another call from his agent two weeks later. When he picked up the receiver, instead of the obnoxious shouting he had come to expect, the voice on the other end was quiet—timid even.
“Dr. Parson?” She sounded like a child having to admit she broke a window.
“This is he. What can I do for you?” Richard had been expecting her to call with a list of appearances stretching across the globe, but the tone of her voice gave him pause.
“I have your lecture schedule for you, but I’m afraid we weren’t able to get as many as we had hoped.”
“Well lets hear it,” Richard said, disappointed. He saw his worldwide expedition shrinking to a month-long European tour.
“We were only able to book one lecture at the University of London, and it has to be during the summer session.” Before Richard could respond she quickly added, “It’s at Birkbeck College, which has an impressive school of philosophy. From what I hear they’re thrilled that you’re coming.”
“I see.” Richard suppressed the urge to shout obscenities at the woman for her incompetence. How hard could it be to book lectures with all the attention his book was getting? “Confirm with Birkbeck but keep looking, would you? Surely there are more universities that would be interested.”
“I’ll try, but there really aren’t. We could book more dates… I didn’t want to mention this because I’m sure you won’t like it, but there are quite a few Barnes & Nobles that—”
Richard hung up. He would never degrade himself by speaking in a bookstore, much less a bookstore with a Starbucks in one corner.
